I got a secret. I ain’t tellin’ it to nobody never.
I can fly. I know you ain’t gonna believe me, but
Mr. Otis knows. He’s the janitor here. He’s about a hundred years old, but I
like him anyways. He’s real nice. He lets me go down and visit him in the
basement after he’s done workin’. He showed me where all his tools and things
are, and the hiding place where the mama cat got kittens. It’s kinda scary down
there, but I feel brave when I’m with him.
It’s nice to be in a place where I got my own room,
and everything. Before, Mama and I lived in the shelter. A long time ago, when
I was five, we had our house with a yard, but Mama lost her job and we had to
move out of there. Too bad, ‘cause that was a good place. I used to lie in the
grass in the backyard and just look up in the sky. All the pieces of grass
would tickle my skin. At night there if I was real quiet in my bed I could hear
things, like cars going by or grown-ups talking on the sidewalk or things like
that.
I can hear things here at night too. Mama keeps the
windows closed and the air conditioning on ‘cause she says the air in the well ain’t
no good. She even put locks on the windows, but I know how to open them. At
night, when it’s quiet, I open the window in my own room just a crack and
listen. And what I hear is voices. Whispery voices, but they ain’t scary. They
tell me all kinds of things.
At the shelter I didn’t listen at night. In that
place, I shut my ears and tried to get to sleep as fast as I could, but it
didn’t usually work. I didn’t like listening there, ‘cause everybody’s voices
was all grouchy all the time. We had our own partition, but it wasn’t like
having your own room. And when we slept our beds were two cots that Mama
covered with a sheet ‘cause she said they weren’t clean.
Mama’s voice was grouchy all the time there, too,
and her eyes kind of tired with bags under them. I even celebrated my sixth
birthday there. We couldn’t afford to have a party, but Mama got me a present
anyway. It was a colored pencil set ‘cause I like to draw so much. I used to
draw mostly things from our house I could remember. Jordan remembered my
birthday too, and he even got me something. I was so surprised!
Jordan was a boy at the shelter who was a teen-ager,
and he was my friend there ‘cause there weren’t any girls my age. And what he
got me for my birthday was a box of chocolates. That was very thoughtful of
him, I think. I didn’t eat them all at one time, I saved them and had one each
night, and that box lasted twelve days.
I sure didn’t like the shelter. They had shower
facilities there, but there wasn’t enough of them, and I didn’t always get to
take a shower every day. At school, some of the other girls in the first grade
said I didn’t smell good. I got pretty mad at them, and the first time it
happened I used my fists, even though I’m supposed to use my words. But when
they did it after that, I just pretended like I didn’t hear them, even though I
did. Mostly it was because Mama said she had enough trouble without me making
her come down to the school to talk to the principal. But partly it’s ‘cause
those girls were telling the truth.
But here we got our own bathroom in the apartment,
and I can take a shower every day. Or a bath, if I want to, but I don’t ‘cause
I ain’t little anymore. Our beds are clean here, and Mama can even do the
clothes in the basement for free, ‘stead of a Laundromat where it costs money. She
can do all that ‘cause she got a job, yay!
All the time we was at the shelter she was always
lookin’, and havin’ to go fill out forms and see if different places wanted her
to work there. But finally, a place did want her to work, and it was a doctor’s
office. First she had to do an interview, and that was on a teacher workday so
I wasn’t at school. ‘Cause of that, and since they wouldn’t want a kid there, I
stayed at the shelter where Jordan was supposed to babysit me.
I really wish that he didn’t babysit me that day.
But then the doctor’s office called back, and they
were interested to hire Mama. They couldn’t give her too much money, but if it
worked out she might get a raise after six months. And guess what. It’s already
been almost six months! After she got the job and worked there for a while, we
could move here.
I was the one who spotted it first. We was ridin’ on
the city bus to get to the Dollar General so Mama could get some new clothes
for work. I was lookin’ out the window when I saw it, and it looked so
beautiful, like a castle. I poked Mama and pointed at it. I knew it was a good
idea then ‘cause when she saw it her eyes were happy, like they used to be all
the time. But then she said it didn’t look like the kind of place we could
afford and so I asked her please, please, could she check. And she did, and
guess what, we could afford it!
It’s not as nice as our house used to be, but it’s
pretty close. And here I got Mr. Otis. He really helped me out one day, and
that was the day I learned I could fly. ‘Cause I been listenin’ to those voices
at night, with my window cracked open. And at first I couldn’t hear what they
was sayin’, but then I figured it out, and they wasn’t really talkin’ like with
words, but more with feelings. And those feelings was tellin’ me I could do
whatever I wanted, and go wherever I wanted. I just had to believe in them. And
where I wanted to go was in the sky, and fly as far as I could.
So I opened the window up all the way, and I got up
on the window sill, and I was scared at first but then I just did it, jumped
right out. And those voices was right, ‘cause I floated right there and I
could’ve flown away like a bird. Except that was when I remembered about Jordan
and that day and my secret, and remembering that made me heavy. My whole body,
starting way deep down inside me and spreading out to every part of me, like
somebody was squeezin’ clay all through me. That clay made me heavy and I
started to fall, and I fell right down the middle of the well.
And I was pretty scared ‘cause I thought I might
even die, but you know what happened? Mr. Otis was right there, and he caught
me in his arms. I was a little surprised, ‘cause how do you think he knew I
wouldn’t be able to fly on that night? After that he took me upstairs and
knocked on our door and told Mama what happened. Mama cried and she shook all
over and then she hugged me and yelled at me until I wasn’t sure if she was mad
or sad or happy.
Later, after Mr. Otis left, she asked me why did I
do it, why did I jump out that window, and I told her about the voices. I could
tell she didn’t believe me, though, and it kind of made her cry some more so I
stopped talking about it. And the next day Mr. Otis came up and that’s when he put
the locks on. But like I said, I know how to open ‘em anyway.
